And the Oscar Goes To...

Another February, another Oscar party at Keisha's. There was a banquet of good food, swag for everyone, a big basket of swag for the winner of her contest, and the by-now-traditional Oscar-shaped sugar cookies. For once, she didn't win my Oscar contest: this year, it was Shane, who got 16 right. I came in second with 15, and Keisha had 14. It all came down to the last two awards presented, so it was pretty exciting. At least, as exciting as the Oscars get.

There were absolutely no surprises this year. The only suspense was whether Martin Scorsese would finally win a Best Director Oscar. Poor Marty. I thought this would be his year, but he'll have to wait until his next movie. I actually think Clint Eastwood deserved it a tiny bit more, but come on. This is the Oscars, and as Clint could tell you, "deserve's got nothin' to do with it."

The half-assed attempts to make the show shorter were abject failures. Giving the awards from the audience? They only did it for two or three awards, and the only time saved was the time it took the winner to walk to the stage. Lining all the nominees up on stage like they were Miss America contestants? Again, the only time saved was the walking time. At least they didn't have that Bush relative talking people up from the audience, like they did last year.

Still, even if it was a tiny bit shorter, this telecast felt a lot choppier and awkward. What was with the stagehands caught onstage at the end of commercial breaks? There was usually at least one guy running his ass off trying to get out of the way. And what was with all the loud crashes and bangs that kept happening? Jeremy Irons got perhaps the only unscripted laugh of the night when he said "I hope they missed."

I have a suggestion on shortening the telecast: just sing one verse of the nominated songs. I don't need to hear another Glen Fucking Ballard ballad sung by the flavor of the month. I don't need to hear Beyonce bey-utchering songs in foreign languages. I don't need to hear Antonio Banderas performing a song when the dude who performed it in the movie is sitting in the audience. The producers must have had a conversation that went something like this: "Nobody knows this dude." "People know Antonio Banderas, and he's Spanish." "Yeah, and we'll have Carlos Santana play along with him." "But he's Mexican, not Spanish." "Close enough." I felt bad for the guy who wrote the song, but I'm glad his acceptance speech consisted of singing a verse.

The women's dresses were all boring, as were the men's tuxedos—all except one. Thank you, Prince, for being yourself.

And then there was Chris Rock. Chris, I hope you enjoyed your stay, but please don't expect to be invited back. A lot of his jokes were mean-spirited instead of the good-natured ribbing that the Oscars expect and accept. He criticized the producers for cutting off the short film dude's acceptance speech. But most importantly, at least for me, he wasn't really funny. He was a big disappointment. I say bring Steve Martin back.

My Oscar Picks

I said I'd post my Oscar picks before Friday, and here they are:

Picture: Million Dollar Baby
Director: Martin Scorsese
Actress: Hilary Swank
Actor: Jamie Foxx
Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett
Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman
Original Screenplay: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Adapted Screenplay: Sideways
Animated Feature: The Incredibles
Animated Short: Gopher Broke
Foreign Language Film: The Sea Inside
Documentary Feature: Super Size Me
Documentary Short: Mighty Times: The Children's March
Cinematography: The Aviator
Art Direction: The Aviator
Visual Effects: Spider-Man 2
Costume Design: The Aviator
Makeup: The Passion of the Christ
Editing: Million Dollar Baby
Sound Mixing: The Aviator
Sound Editing: Spider-Man 2
Original Score: Finding Neverland
Song: "Accidentally in Love," Shrek 2
Live-Action Short: Everybody in this Country Must

I Am Part of Your Education

This is odd. I was googling myself, and I noticed that my reviews have turned up on at least two course syllabi. The first was for a German cinema class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology; the professor quoted my review of Stroszek. The second was my review of The Crowd, which was suggested as an online resource in a film history class at Centenary College of Louisiana. I've always wanted to influence young minds; who knew that my movie reviews would be my way in.

Canadian PM Speech

Paul Martin, prime minister of Canada, spoke in favor of Bill C-38, the Canadian Civil Marriage Act, which will allow homosexuals to marry across Canada. It's one of the most eloquent defenses of equal rights for homosexuals—for anyone—I've seen.

Some highlights:

"We will be influenced by our faith but we also have an obligation to take the widest perspective -- to recognize that one of the great strengths of Canada is its respect for the rights of each and every individual, to understand that we must not shrink from the need to reaffirm the rights and responsibilities of Canadians in an evolving society."

"Some have counseled the government to extend to gays and lesbians the right to 'civil union.' This would give same-sex couples many of the rights of a wedded couple, but their relationships would not legally be considered marriage. In other words, they would be equal, but not quite as equal as the rest of Canadians."

"This question does not demand rhetoric. It demands clarity. There are only two legitimate answers –- yes or no. Not the demagoguery we have heard, not the dodging, the flawed reasoning, the false options. Just yes or no. Will you take away a right as guaranteed under the Charter? I, for one, will answer that question, Mr. Speaker. I will answer it clearly. I will say no."

"The people of Canada have worked hard to build a country that opens its doors to include all, regardless of their differences; a country that respects all, regardless of their differences; a country that demands equality for all, regardless of their differences. If we do not step forward, then we step back. If we do not protect a right, then we deny it. Mr. Speaker, together as a nation, together as Canadians: Let us step forward."

We will never, ever, ever hear an American president saying words like this, and that makes me terribly sad.

NHL Cancels Season

Fucking fuckers. I have nothing else to say.

Desert Island Books

Here are a few books that, if stranded on a desert island, I would want with me. Because, you know, I'd have books with me, but not an inflatable raft or food or anything.

A Biographical Dictionary of Film by David Thomson. Film is my life, but I think this is the only film book I'd need with me. Thomson is an opinionated jerk sometimes, a dazzlingly insightful critic at others, and always a great writer. I could play the "what does he think about X" game until the rescue boats arrived.

Ficciones by Jorge Luis Borges. I've only read it once, but I think I'd need to read it a few dozen more times to process everything it has to offer.

Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite. My favorite horror novel. I'd need a fun read, and I can't think of anything more fun than this goth-punk vampire novel. I just realized that I don't even own a copy of this. Shame on me.

The Science Fiction Hall of Fame, volume one: 1929-1964. The greatest short story collection of all time. Well, for sci-fi nerds. Includes two of my favoritest stories in the world, "Microcosmic God" by Theodore Sturgeon and "The Cold Equations" by Tom Godwin. I'm re-reading it now. Shane, do you remember the story "Twilight"? Always makes me sad.

Speaking of sci-fi nerds, I'd need The Essential Ellison, an omnibus collection of Harlan Ellison's best stories. Is it cheating to put a best-of book on the list, sort of like putting a greatest hits album on your top ten music list?

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. It's about a Nigerian village just before and just after first contact with white explorers. I think everyone should read this. When I get off my island, you can borrow my copy.

And the inevitable question: what are your desert island books?

New Pet Peeve

As many of you know, I am an atheist. However, I recently became very sick of hearing atheists and suchlike quote the Bible at Christians to "prove" how evil Christianity is. It struck me that it is completely unhelpful. There's a lot of horrific stuff advocated in the Bible, most of it in the Old Testament. This is not news.

It's quite likely that they already know that Leviticus tells us to kill homosexuals, that Exodus tells us to kill someone if they strike their parents, that Zechariah advocates the murder of false prophets. The only way you are truly scoring any points is if the Christian you are talking to happens to advocate those things, and the odds are that they don't. For example, not many Christians think it is acceptable for bears to maul children who tease prophets with inherited male pattern baldness. You aren't proving anything by informing them that 2 Kings 2:23-24 advocates that very punishment. Most likely, they've processed that knowledge (maybe they've even read it), and moved on from that. They're good people.

I realize that it is often (but not always) a reaction to another big annoyance, which is Christians quoting the Bible as approval for certain kinds of behavior. But to retaliate with Isaiah 14:21 isn't really adding anything to the conversation.

(This post was prompted by a message board discussion of a rural Virginia school that lets some kids out early to go to Bible class. While I oppose what the school is doing, I don't see the point in quoting Leviticus to "prove" that Bible classes are evil.)

Mein Auto Ist Tot

So my car is finally dead. It started making this scary thumping sound on the way to a movie on Monday, and I abandoned it in a parking spot until Wednesday, when I drove it, very slowly, to a shop. They called today and told me the great news: the suspension is going, and it will cost $800 to fix it! And that's on top of the exhaust system, which is also going. Sigh. Join me for a memorial service for that car, which has served me well lo these many years.

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I haven't felt up to it. I could have written about the hockey game I attended last Wednesday with Kris, the gala opening on Thursday of the art show that my favorite art historian curated, or the shindig with the Chicago Academy for the Arts on Friday. But I didn't. You'll just have to fill in the details yourself.