Ben and J.Lo Split

In a move that is already producing repercussions throughout the entertainment journalism industry, Jennifer Lopez broke off her engagement to Ben Affleck. Celebrity magazines such as People, Us, and Star were predicting massive layoffs due to the sudden dropoff in gossip.

"This is going to send the industry reeling," said an unnamed source at People. "It could get as bad as the dot-com bust."

Cheryl Rostack, the managing editor of Us, said that pink slips were already being inserted in employee paychecks. "They thought they were getting bonuses because the on-again, off-again engagement was providing so much fodder," she said. "I don't know what to tell them."

One angry reporter at The Star vented her anger at Bennifer while she waited in line at a Brooklyn soup kitchen. "How dare they?" she demanded. "Celebrities are so selfish. Sure, they weren't happy, blah blah blah. Tell that to my kids," she said, pointing at her two children, their bellies already distended from malnutrition brought about by the whims of Hollywood superstars.

A source at Entertainment Weekly said that he wasn't sure the magazine, popular at supermarket checkouts, would survive the Bennifer bustup, but he was holding out hope. "Thank God for Michael Jackson," he sighed. "He's always good for cover stories, and it should get better with his trial coming up."

I hope The Onion didn't beat me to this.