Dear Pop Stars; or, Goatdog Gets Nit-Picky

Dear Killers,

I like the whole Duran Duran–meets–Bruce Springsteen sound you're using on your new album; it's good for musicians to do their own thing, even if their own thing is a combination of other people's things. But in your new single "When You Were Young," I'm pretty sure you say "They say the devil's water it ain’t so sweet / You don’t have to drink right now / But you can dip your feet / Every once and a little while." Now, I'm not judging the quality of that sentiment—maybe some people who have experience with the devil's water go around talking about it. I'm just writing to point out that it's "once in a while," not "once and a while." (Note: most of the lyrics sites I've checked have you saying the phrase correctly, but I'm reasonably sure after a handful of listens that you say "and," not "in," Mr. Brandon Flowers.)

Dear Jeannie Ortega,

I think your song "Crowded" is pretty harmless for dancy top 40. However, there's a problem when you say "I won't be second to none." You see, being second to none is a good thing: it's just like being first. Peerless. No competition. Etc. When you say you don't want to be those things, I wonder what you're getting at. You don't want to be first? You want competition? You'd like to be... peerful? And this isn't just me being nit-picky about the whole double negative thing; I like a good double negative for effect—and don't let no one tell you different. But when it comes to a phrase that's as stuck together as "second to none," I get out my red pen.

Dear Rihanna,

I really loved the first single by you that I heard, "If It's Lovin' That You Want," which was so catchy and out-of-the-ordinary that I downloaded it (legally—I have the emailed iTunes receipt to prove it). I thought the next one, "SOS," contained a clever sample from "Tainted Love," which improved on the original by not containing the rest of the song. But I have problems with "Unfaithful," aside from the fact that the ballad format reveals your limited range. Lots of people sing about how cheating on your significant other kills him or her slowly, but it's a figure of speech. There's not really any killing going on; if there is, you're in a different genre entirely. So when you sing "Everytime I walk out the door / I see him die a little more inside / I don't wanna hurt him anymore / I don't wanna take away his life / I don't wanna be... a murderer," you're kind of embellishing—you're not really a murderer. Now there's a lot to be said for exaggerating for effect (there's plenty of that going on right in this here blog post), but the way it's presented in your song (all swirling orchestration and wailing voice), it's pretty darned silly.

Update:

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Please ditch this T.I. guy who guest-raps on your new single "My Love." You let him say "Call me candle guy / simply because I am on fire"? I think LL Cool J put it best when he said, "Here's 5 dollars, catch a taxi cab / Take your rhymes around the corner to the rap rehab."