Happy Birthday JT

Dear Justin Timberlake, I'm writing to wish you a happy 26th birthday, and to tell you that you're dead to me.

It wasn't always like this. You may remember that I enthusiastically praised the first single, "SexyBack," from your latest album, Futuresex/Lovesounds. It was the best song released last year. I was even going to give in and buy the CD. I still love that song; it's the only top 40 song I heard a lot and never got sick of.

But then you released "My Love," which you may remember me criticizing. It wasn't about you, it was about the rap interlude by T.I. (who, on his own terms, I like, especially "What You Know"). I disliked some of his awful rhymes, but on further listening it turns out it's worse than that. His rap is a complete demolition of the entire song. In your lovely falsetto, you croon a simple, even silly, love song: "If I wrote you a love note, and made you smile with every word I wrote"; "This ring here represents my heart, but there is just one thing I need from you / Say I do." But then T.I. comes in and changes the tone of the entire song: "I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny / I'm patient, but I ain't gonna try / If you don't come, I ain't gonna die." What the hell, JT? Still, I liked the rest of the song, and I had grand plans of doing a T.I.-free remix after I bought the album.

Until I heard your latest single, "What Goes Around Comes Around." Did you really craft a song around "what goes around comes around"? Tell me you didn't. (You did.) Justin, even as clichés go, that's tired. It's so tired it's dead, dried up like a frog next to a prefab subdivision that used to be a swamp. And no matter how much Timbaland kisses it with his studio skills, it will never turn into a prince. And from what I've heard, it's indicative of the rest of the album (aside, of course, from "SexyBack").

And then there's Alpha Dog, your new, long-delayed movie. I... I don't want to talk about Alpha Dog. And I don't think you should call here anymore.