So now here's the big question:

What word can we now use that means what "literally" used to mean exclusively? And once we start using that new word, how do we prevent its usage from being co-opted to mean "virtually", like "literally" was?

and thus it also means "figuratively" ?

Also, does this mean Shawn can't yell at me for being too literal anymore?

That's a good question. What about "literatim" or "unfiguratively"? I know the forces of evil won't want "literatim," so we might be able to keep it.

You mean my least favorite verbal tic in the world now has the etymological upper hand? You are truly - or shall I say, literally - the bearer of bad tidings, but I don't hold it against you.

This seems somehow appropriate here:
http://www.partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1367

It's a war we can't win, dudes. Literally.

Normally, I'm for common usage and against codifying that which was the common usage when someone got huffy enought to write it down. But not when it comes to words flipping in meaning. The forthcoming one that I dread will be the use of "borrow" to mean "loan." (e.g., can your borrow me a dollar)

Well, at least the Oxford English Dictionary online still has it right:

2b. With exact fidelity of representation.
3b. Used to indicate that the following word or phrase must be taken in its literal sense.
Now often improperly used to indicate that some conventional metaphorical or hyperbolical phrase is to be taken in the strongest admissible sense.

I say we just ignore Websters for the weak minded morons that they are. Literally.

That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. And by coolest, I mean stupidest.