Movie Meme

Nathaniel came up with this movie meme, and Nick tagged me to complete it. Write about movies? Why would he think I'd want to do that?

1. Popcorn or candy?

Neither. I eat popcorn only if it's in front of me, and as I'm eating it, I think, "Why am I eating this? I don't like popcorn." And I'm not a big candy eater. I'd rather not eat anything during the film, because it's distracting, but I have been known to scarf down a hotdog (yuck), nachos (double yuck), or one of those pretzels they have at truly swanky multiplexes before the film starts. (One needs fat and carbs for a movie-watching energy burst.) However, I always have to have a beverage, so I always stop at the concessions counter for a Coke.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

Why is this singular? There are so, so many, and I'm so bad about this kind of thing (witness my utter failure at keeping my New Year's Resolutions). Let's go with Breaker Morant, which Shawn bought me for my first Christmas in the big city. My folks were in Florida or some such place, and he and Missy invited me over for dinner and a "Simpsons Hit and Run" marathon on his new Xbox. Later we went to the movies and saw The Emperor's New Clothes. That was five years ago. We started watching it once, but were interrupted, and there it sits in my Alfred Hitchcock box set (long story).

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?

You're a cruel, cruel man. One. Ha! I have lists! But here's one that wasn't on my lists (which are the "important" categories, like Picture, Actress, etc.). It came to me as I was rending my garments over having to choose just one. I'd take back the Oscar that went to James Horner and Will Jennings for "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic and give it to Elliott Smith for "Miss Misery" from Good Will Hunting. His performance of the song was one of the Oscar telecast's finest moments; the song from Titanic is one of the worst songs to win the award.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?

I probably wouldn't look very good in it, but I'd want the dress from Jezebel. "A red dress to the Olympus Ball? Why, you're out of your senses!" If I can't have that dress, I want Buster Keaton's porkpie hat. Could I pull off wearing both? Throw in the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz, and if it gets cold I could wear The Dude's bathrobe from The Big Lebowski!

5. Your favorite film franchise is...

Lately, it's been the 1930s-1940s Sherlock Holmes films starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. Even the bad ones are fun. Aside from that, I'd say the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was never less than pretty darned good. All of my other favorites have a caveat: the Star Wars movies have the prequels, the Terminator series has the third entry, the Alien quadralogy has Alien³ (and I haven't seen the fourth one anyway), the Godfather trilogy has the third one.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

Hoo boy. They don't have to be alive, do they? Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin, to see what they think about the whole Buster Keaton vs. Charlie Chaplin thing. Werner Herzog, so I can listen to him talk. Emma Thompson, because in 1992 and 1993, she helped make me a serious movie lover. And Katharine Hepburn, because, well, Katharine Hepburn. We'd eat Thai takeout, because I like Thai takeout.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

Immediate ejection. There's no reason to ever answer a phone during a film. Never ever. Put the damned thing on vibrate if you need to stay connected to the outside world, and walk out into the lobby if you really must answer it. (All the way out into the lobby: we can still hear you if you don't pass the hallowed threshold of the theater.) This includes text messages: go outside to do it, because you're still distracting people. I thought about getting creative with torture and punishment (because ejection isn't really punishment to someone who's not paying attention anyway, right?) but I'm committed to nonviolence, even though cell-phone-talking movie patrons test my commitment.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.

Mace, most definitely. She's the only one without something to rule her out: Ripley's protection doesn't extend to sequels, Mystique and the Bride aren't exactly bodyguards, and Sarah Connor isn't exactly fun to be around. Plus Angela Bassett is awesome.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

Jason Voorhees. I was 11, and my sister was celebrating her 13th birthday on Friday the 13th with a Friday the 13th marathon. I watched some of them with her and her friends. I think I made it to part 3 before I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up sleeping in my sleeping bag curled up at the foot of my mom's bed because I was having nightmares. The big guy in the hockey mask doesn't frighten me anymore, but I've never been so scared of a movie as I was back then.

More recently, however, I watched Ringu at midnight one night. I had to take a long train ride home by myself at 2 in the morning. It was cold, dark, and windy, and as I waited on the train platform (Jarvis Red Line stop), I kept seeing that herky-jerky girl with the black hair out of the corner of my eye. She was behind every garbage can; she was coming up every staircase. When I got on the train (the only person in the car), I kept seeing her reflection in the windows. I half-ran home from the train station, and I threw myself into bed and pulled the covers up over my head. Outside the bedroom door I heard scratching. Of course it was my cat Birdie, but what if it wasn't? I'm not ashamed to admit that I had an internal argument over whether I should leave the closet door open or closed (I went with closed) before I finally managed to fall asleep.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?

I have a weakness for horror films, but that's not it. I thought about being oh-so-cute and defining "Best Picture nominees" as a genre, but I've bent the rules enough already in this thing. I'm going to have to go with film noir. I'm always in the mood for a good (or even a not-so-good) noir.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?

I'd find great filmmakers who deserve the chance to make an A-list movie. I'd start with Frank V. Ross and Gavin Heffernan, two promising filmmakers who sent their self-produced films to me to review. There are others like them out there, and I'd make it my job to find them.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?

Bonnie. Duh.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey?

Shane, Shawn, and Amy.