The 72-Nomination Long Weekend

Since I have little to do but nap and complain and watch movies, I've decided to take a figurative bulldozer to the Oscars. The 10 films I've watched since Friday represent 72 nominations in various categories, leading me to develop the important new measure, Minutes Per Nomination (MPN), which leads to more efficient Oscar viewing. I chose MPN instead of NPM (nominations per minute) because I don't like decimal points, although some worked their way in anyway. I chose mostly the long, nomination-bogarting epics of the 1950s and 1960s, with stops along the way for remarkably good films like They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Hud. In descending order of MPN, here they are.

State Fair (1933): 96 minutes / 2 nominations = 48 MPN
Picture, Writing–Adaptation

Proof that they'd nominate just about anything for Best Picture back in the early days of Oscar, this anonymously agreeable countrified hoo-haw is about a rural family at the state fair. Yep, that's about it. Will Rogers frets about his moody pig, Louise Dresser frets about her pickles, and the kids, Janet Gaynor and Norman Foster, find big-city love with Lew Ayres and Sally Eilers. Even the pig gets in on the action. 2 goats

A Free Soul (1931): 91 minutes / 3 nominations = 30 MPN
Actor, Actress, Director

Norma Shearer looked dazzling in a series of gowns and snazzy little flapper outfits by Adrian (it's a crime that there wasn't a costume design category yet), but aside from a first, lighthearted scene, my god did she stink when she talked. She pains me, because I like her so much in some parts, but so little in others. Also-nominated director Clarence Brown let her indulge all of her worst tics: she squints like she's staring into the sun and packs in all the, er, vogueing she can (strike a grimace!), and many of her line readings were howlingly funny. Lionel Barrymore, who actually won Best Actor, is little better; his bag of tricks included just one, "drunk," which he used whether his character was drunk or not. Clark Gable was good, though, and he and Norma certainly made a fine-looking pair. 2 goats

Cleopatra (1963): 243 minutes / 9 nominations = 27 MPN
Picture, Actor, Cinematography, Editing, Original Score, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Costume Design, Sound, Visual Effects

The loudest thing about this epic was the mighty slap in the face that Oscar delivered; despite nine nominations including the big one, notably missing were its million dollar star Elizabeth Taylor, her high-profile lover Richard Burton, and Joseph Mankiewicz as either a writer or a director. It's the film without stars that was neither written nor directed! It's also a colossal bore, too long by half. Rex Harrison (who was nominated) was very good and Burton was pretty good, but Taylor's more petulant than queenly. At least some of the spectacle was suitably spectacular, especially Cleopatra's entrance into Rome. 2 goats

The High and the Mighty (1954): 147 minutes / 6 nominations = 24.5 MPN
Director, Supporting Actress X 2, Editing, Original Score, Original Song

Recent archaeological studies have pushed the origins of the modern big-budget disaster flick back as far as 1954, when John Wayne saved a planeload of passengers and their personal problems from fiery or watery death. All the elements were already set in stone: the pilot with a hidden yellow streak, the washed-up copilot with a troubled past, the cute kid, the boozy floozies, the tormented businessmen, even the token minorities. And, of course, the screaming and crying and Best Editing nomination. Dmitri Tiomkin's score won, but the oddball is an Original Song nomination for a song whose lyrics we never hear, not even during the closing credits. 2.5 goats

Seabiscuit (2003): 141 minutes / 7 nominations = 20 MPN
Picture, Cinematography, Editing, Adapted Screenplay, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Sound Mixing, Costume Design

By the time I'd recovered from being yanked around by the bridle by unnominated director Gary Ross's hopscotch history lesson-cum-character development, I was thoroughly annoyed by the cutesy cutaways and near-jump cuts the editing favors, the gauzy sun-dappled cinematography (according to this film and Cinderella Man, the Depression sure looked great!), and the tendency of the screenplay to have a character tell us, at the very end of a scene, what we should already have gathered. At least the races were shot well, except for the closeups, which looked like Tobey Maguire on an animatronic hobby horse. 2.5 goats

Doctor Zhivago (1965): 197 minutes / 10 nominations = 19.7 MPN
Picture, Director, Supporting Actor, Cinematography, Editing, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Costume Design, Adapted Screenplay, Original Score, Sound

This wasn't as bad as I'd expected it to be. It certainly spent a lot of its time (and money) flailing for epic status, but it was quite good in smaller moments—most of them including Rod Steiger, who deserved the Oscar nomination that Tom Courtenay received mistakenly. The biggest blight was Omar Sharif, the appeal of whom I just don't understand, having seen him in this film and Funny Girl recently. He doesn't seem to want to be good, or even noticed. 3 goats

Hud (1963): 112 minutes / 7 nominations = 16 MPN
Director, Actress, Actor, Supporting Actor, Cinematography, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Adapted Screenplay

The best film of 1963 wasn't nominated for the top honor; it settled for a slew of other nominations, among them Paul Newman's poisonous title turn as a sexy, jarringly amoral layabout. Patricia Neal's flinty, flirty pseudo-lead won a deserved Oscar and is probably among my top 10 winners. James Wong Howe's stunning, dusty photography won, but Tom Jones (!!!) stole most of the other awards that Hud deserved. One of the most glaring omissions was Elmer Bernstein's haunting, lonely score, which wasn't even nominated. 5 goats

Sons and Lovers (1960): 103 minutes / 7 nominations = 14.7 MPN
Picture, Director, Actor, Supporting Actress, Cinematography, Adapted Screenplay, Art Direction/Set Decoration

This somewhat gelded adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's scandalous first novel is still pretty good, if only because the screenwriters were able to transfer some of the novel's pages and pages of self-examination into the mouths of the characters. Especially effective was the expansion of the father character (Trevor Howard, who plays what's clearly a supporting part but was up for lead anyway) and Dean Stockwell's relationship with the nominated Mary Ure, but the all-important mother obsession takes a backseat, as does Paul's oddly spiritual relationship with Miriam. 3.5 goats

My Fair Lady (1964): 171 minutes / 12 nominations = 14.2 MPN

Picture, Director, Actor, Supporting Actress, Supporting Actor, Adapted Screenplay, Cinematography, Editing, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Costume Design, Adapted Score, Sound

This wasn't nearly as painful as I'd been led to believe. I can't quite believe that Rex Harrison won Best Actor for his one-note growl, and there were several superior films they could have lavished a bunch of Oscars on, but this was moderately enjoyable. I loved the unnominated Audrey Hepburn until her big makeover, and Stanley Holloway was a lot of fun around the edges. The songs are great, even if their staging was often unimaginative (except the one at the horse track, which was brilliant). Still, one thing the film really screwed up was the ending: they've spent 170 minutes convincing us that nobody could like Henry Higgins, so why should we believe it when Eliza Doolittle decides to stick around? 3 goats

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969): 120 minutes / 9 nominations = 13.3 MPN
Director, Actress, Supporting Actress, Supporting Actor, Editing, Costume Design, Art Direction/Set Decoration, Score of a Musical Picture, Adapted Screenplay

One of the bleakest films ever made, it's as if they rolled up all the desperation of the Great Depression, unleashed it in one big dance marathon, and then forgot to nominate one of the best films of the year for the big award. Jane Fonda's tough, desperate performance is probably one of the best of the 1960s, but she didn't win, nor did Susannah York. The only win was Gig Young's brave take on the heartless bastard of a host. The biggest question is for director Sydney Pollack: what the hell happened? You were really great once upon a time. Yowza. 4.5 goats