The Worst Time I Ever Paid for It

After a comment conversation with Nick of Nick's Flick Picks, I thought I'd beat him to the punch and do an entry about the worst movies I've ever paid to see in the theater.

Note: I'm sure I saw worse movies than this when I was a youngster, but I didn't know any better at the time. For a long time, Police Academy 3 was my favorite movie. It wasn't really until the early 1990s that I realized that some movies were better than others.

10. Hannibal (2001). This is basically horror pornography. It's several major talents—Ridley Scott, David Mamet, Anthony Hopkins, Steven Zaillian—slumming. It's exploitative, nasty, and unredeemed by anything of value, except that it exposed the ratings system as a sham. Not that it made any difference.

9. 8mm (1999). More horror porn, this time actually about porn. Alejandro Amenabar's 1996 Spanish film Tesis covered the same ground without the garishness and sense of exploitation.

8. Bad Guy (2001). Utterly reprehensible garbage about a woman who falls in love with the man who ruined her life and forced her into prostitution. We're supposed to start to identify with the titular bad guy—look how far he's come! He feels a little bad about it, and he weally weally loves her. Bullshit.

7. Gothika (2003). So bad that I just had to get all poetical on its ass. For that, I suppose I appreciate it; no other film, before or since, has prompted me to write a sestina excoriating it.

6. Armageddon (1998). "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." That idiot is Michael Bay. My ex wept through this entire film, and then on the way home when that crappy Aerosmith song came on the radio, she wept again. "Do you think it will win Best Picture?" she asked tearfully. I clutched the steering wheel tighter and said nothing.

5. Mystery Men (1999). The mere fact that you have a funny premise—a bunch of losers who pretend to be superheroes—does not mean that you can just rest on it. There has to be something more, some energy, some joy, some creativity. This movie sat on the screen in its funny costume and begged you to laugh at it. I laughed only once: when Ben Stiller finally summons some real super-anger ("No, I mean it this time").

4. Sibling Rivalry (1990). This is a nostalgic pick, but it's still crap. My friend Steve and I used to write reviews for a local paper while we were in high school. We were under orders to make the film sound interesting; if we expressed dissatisfaction, the local theater would complain and we wouldn't get in free anymore. With Sibling Rivalry, we had to struggle mightily to make it even remotely worth watching. I believe we said that it was "somewhat muddled." Those were strong words, given the circumstances. (Note: While I didn't "pay" for this movie, since the newspaper paid our way, I argue that there is more than one definition of "pay.")

3. Starship Troopers (1997). Even if you argue that I just didn't get it, that it was supposed to be that campy, that the characters were supposed to be cardboard cutouts, and that the dialog was supposed to be that corny, I still say that this movie was a waste of money (but not of talent, since there was none involved). This was one of those movies you get dragged to because you're hanging out with a group of people, and the majority votes to see it, even though you'd rather go see something good by yourself.

2. Paparazzi (2004). Nasty, brutal, and cowardly, a film about revenge that lacks the courage to sully its main character with dirty hands, Mel Gibson's fantasy of retribution against paparazzi is devoid of humanity among either the good guys or the bad guys. It's an exercise in vicarious sadism.

1. 9 Songs (2004). Not only was it completely without merit, it even managed to squander explicit sex and concert footage from pretty good bands. It was directed by a guy I like, Michael Winterbottom, and so I can only hope that it was a vanity project, and that he'll return to making watchable movies soon. To top it off, it cost me and my favorite art historian the equivalent of $34 to see it—we saw it at an art house in England, where the tickets were £8.50, and given the exchange rate, that took our two-ticket total to $34. Incidentally, this is the most popular review on my site; most people find it while searching for nude pictures of the female star, Margot Stilley.